Ghost Train
My mother’s first grown-up job was at the Arts Council. Every weekday she’d slip on her clogs, poncho and mood ring (or whatever the hell they wore in the 1970s) to board a commuter train that bore her far from the sleepy bucolic Sussex village our family lived in then, to smoky old London.

These were the days of slam-door trains and compartmentalised carriages. Like many commuters, my mother had a preferred compartment, which she shared with her “train buddies” – an unlikely band of prim secretaries, wispy academics and well-fed city gents who scratched and farted behind their newspapers. Despite their disparate natures this was their compartment and they all loyally saved each others’ seats on both outbound and return journeys.

At the time my mother was a young liberal with a head full of ideas and a spirit entirely unbroken by years of office drudgery. She regularly worked long hours, skipping lunch then belting across London to catch the last train back to Sussex. Unsurprisingly, once she’d greeted her train buddies and kicked off her shoes, she was generally asleep before the train left Victoria Station.

One rainy night, on the train home from London, my mother had the oddest dream.

She dreamt she was in total darkness – upright but somehow dangling, with a fresh breeze on her skin and whispering all around her. She couldn’t move much, just hung there limply – for some reason this didn’t frighten her and she began to realise she was in motion.

The darkness ahead of her broke up into lighter patches and soon she found herself emerging from a thick line of trees into an open field under a rain-soaked sky – still hanging in the air, a couple of feet above the dewy grass, quietly becoming soggy with rain.

My mother looked around herself wondering, with that absent, semi-aware dream-sense, about how odd dreams were in general.

Then she heard a noise and fixed her gaze on the other end of the field. Which is when she saw the train.

Her train.

A long dark bar lit with carriages, shuttling from left to right, parallel to the line of trees form which she’d just emerged.

My mother thought something like, How curious. This must be an actual field I see every day from the train and I’ve never consciously realised it.

And with that thought, she started moving forwards at an increasing, impossible speed.

Her hair whipped out behind her and the grass slapped damply against her stockinged toes with a fast, memorable fapp-fapp-fapp noise. The side of the speeding train grew larger and larger in her field of vision, until she was sure she was going to be squished against it – and then she was somehow being delivered gently onto the train – she remembers very clearly landing daintily on the lip of an end-carriage door.

And then she was inside the train – in a corridor outside some compartments.

Some moments later, and then only after some fierce self-pinching, my mother realised three things:

1. She was awake.
2. She was soaking wet.
3. She was shoeless.

Sheepishly she found her usual compartment and sidled into it to find her compartment buddies gaping at her. Where have you been? They demanded. Apparently at some point during the journey, my shoeless, previously deep-asleep mother had disappeared from the snug compartment.

Without any of her six companions noticing.

Nominally my mother puts this all down to sleepwalking into the corridor and leaning out of the window. Once when she was a young teen she awoke, fully dressed in school uniform, outside her school gates at five in the morning.

“But,” she will tell you at any of her dinner parties to this day, “That doesn’t explain the wet grass on my feet.”

I have no idea if that last part is true or not. But I have met two of her erstwhile train buddies who swear up and down to the meat of this story.

*

You can read more Curious Things, or find out what this Curious Things thing is all about (and perhaps submit your own).

Snow and phone box
Right, so well, what it was was, I was in my first year at university, and had just embarked upon my first actual proper relationship (yes I was nineteen WHAT OF IT), with a quite lovely young lady whose initials will remain forever DG.

We had got past the drunken snog stage, I had stayed over at her a couple of nights (nothing terribly exciting had happened, but it was almost certainly going to be a matter of time), and just as we had moved into the ‘are you telling people we’re going out? Because I’m sort of telling people we’re going out’ sort of stage, I remembered I had to go back home to Cornwall for a week.

Now possibly I should have bothered to call, or this whole thing wouldn’t have happened, but I got distracted (let’s say I didn’t want to use the home phone with my parents high-fiving in the background) and didn’t. Anyway, it was only a week, and the first thing I did when I got back was call DG’s home, where one of her housemates picked up.

Hello! said housemate gaily, how was the cinema last night, did you enjoy The Crow/Batman Returns/Whatever It Was (bear in mind this was hundreds of years ago, and I was in a sort of indie/goth phase).

Erm, I said, I didn’t go to the cinema last night. Oh, said housemate, slightly confused. Anyway, your laryngitis sounds better.

? I said.

When I finally got hold of DB, it turned out she had been phoned every night I was away, by someone pretending to be me, and using laryngitis as an excuse for sounding not-quite-right. The phone calls had been long, and loving, and had covered a wide range of topics, and DG had loved hearing about the funny things I had got up to while I was home in Cornwall. Not that any of these things had sounded that funny later, but it was the way Fake Me had told them, apparently. When I came back, the phone calls ceased, and neither of use were ever able to work out who, in the Venn diagram of our mutual friends, was mentule enough to have done this.

Our relationship bimbled on for a few months, then eventually petered out, due at least partially to the fact that I was a bit rubbish at stuff like, you know, actually phoning to express some kind of affection while I was away. The really sad thing about it, however, was that whole time I had the suspicion Fake Me was just a little bit better as a boyfriend than Real Me.

I never did find out who it was who had called her while I was away, although after we broke up, she did start going out with someone who, now I think about it, was a mutual friend. He was a nice chap though, and they seemed very happy, so if it was him, it probably all worked out for the best. Maybe they even got a slightly odd blogpost out of it.

*

This creepy tale is from that James chap of Blue Cat infamy. He also done wrote a PROPER CURIOUS BOOK called The Cabinet of Curiosities – you should read it, it’s right spookles, and very, very good.

You can read more Curious Things, or find out what this Curious Things thing is all about (and perhaps submit your own).

Brrring. Brrrring.

Online booking at the Odeon website
“…Please only try to book 9 or less tickets”.

Figuring out how to book tickets for Inception on the Odeon website was a harrowing, mystifying experience. Come back, Accessible Odeon, we miss you.

Shame on you, Odeon, for taking legal action against an accessible version of your site, then pledging to improve your user experience. Ten years ago. We’re still waiting.

viking 1
When I turned 16, my parents told me I had to get a job.

I protested but, after my mum pretty much wrote a job application for me and took me to the interview, I decided that there was no way out. I totally wasted the time of those poor people at Sainsbury’s that day but decided then and there that, if I had to get a job, it would be somewhere I actually wanted to work. After that, I ended up with a shelf-stacking/till trainee job at WH Smith and a rather nice 25% staff discount. I tell you, my CD and video collection rather spiralled out of control over the next few years.

I stayed in that job throughout many years of further and higher education, and learned how to do pretty much every task in the store. I have many fond memories of the place and the people I met there. The uniform may have been crappy, but fun times were had and I obtained some interesting tales to tell. Some stories stand out more than others though, and my encounter with a minor celebrity one day has stayed with me ever since.

It was the early 1990s. I forget which year, but I was probably doing an art foundation course, or back home for the holidays during my first year at university. Either way, I was working upstairs in the stationery department in WH Smith on a quiet weekday morning when, all of a sudden, the assistant manager rushed up to me and said there was something urgent he needed my help with.

We raced down the stairs and he kept far enough ahead of me that I was unable to ask what this was all about. Covering for someone on the front tills who needed a break perhaps? Why would it be this urgent?

We reached the front doors of the shop and then he hit me with it:

“This is Peter Duncan. He needs to throw you over his shoulder for a photo/”

Er, what?

In front of me stood the ex-Blue Peter presenter, dressed as a viking, looking just as perturbed by the situation as I was. Duncan is not a tall chap and, despite being short myself, I am (and was) not the lightest of women. How on earth was this going to work and, more to the point, why? I didn’t get a chance to ask questions, and the rest of the incident is now a bit of a blur to me. Suffice to say
that it went as badly as both of us feared it would.

Afterwards I found out that Duncan was appearing in Erik The Viking at the local theatre. I also found out that I was the only young female member of staff in the store that morning, hence my selection for the task.

After the shame subsided, I told my friends about what happened and shared the story of meeting someone who I’d watched on television nearly every week in the early 1980s.

Sadly, they didn’t believe me as the local rag never printed the photograph. I always wondered just how bad it was.

*

This disturbing account was submitted by Lori Smith who does various impressive things, including writing for Bitchbuzz but – spookily – rarely wears lipstick.

Brr.

You can read more Curious Things, or find out what this Curious Things thing is all about (and perhaps submit your own).

Watch out for false Vikings.

Women eh?

{Via}